Marriage Preparation

On a men's rights discussion group, Robert asked for advice about getting married. Here is my advice to Robert.

I was married in 1958. That was a time when one expected marriages to last. As a husband and father of three I took my responsibilities seriously. I thought I had some authority, as I had a non working wife. Fourteen years later, when my wife asked for a divorce, I realized I had no authority, only responsibility. I was fortunate that we had an amicable divorce, only one attorney. During the process I realized I had no authority. It all resided with her and the State.

I never remarried. I lived with a wonderful woman for many years. Early in the relationship I told her I never wanted to be married again, to anyone, because a marriage is not just to a woman, but a marriage also makes the State a party to the marriage! I never led her on that there was hope for marriage. Never lie to a woman. We parted good friends. I cared for her when she developed ovarian cancer. She passed away in 2002.

Why would a young man want to get married today? He has the illusion that he will be happy in the future. When his illusion is destroyed by the system, he will be unhappy. He has expectations that his lust will last. This is an illusion. If he can stay married to a woman for decades his lust may turn to affection, friendship, and attachment. (C. S. Lewis's four stages of love). Older men who marry for the second and third time are looking for the latter three stages of love. To be with a woman and develop the four stages of love is what we desire. We take the risk in marriage, hoping to be happy.

A marriage today only seems like a notarized date. The marriage ceremony is a narcissistic ritual. The man gives up some power hoping to get something in return. The woman gives up some power also hoping to get something in return. When things go bad in the voluntary exchange of power, one party tries to take back their power. Conflict follows.

Loneliness drives people into relationships, even bad relationships. Know what is motivating you and her to want a relationship. I have heard recently divorced men say they want to be married, even when they are dating no one. Some men just want to be married. In their mind being a husband is important.

No one can predict the future, but when men marry they gamble with their power, pride and money. It is a roll of the dice and the odds are against the man.

The marriage contract confers power on the woman. After a temporary period of cooperation for mating and producing children, the female is in control.

Women only need to mate a few days each month. Men need to mate each day. This and cultural conditioning that we all know about makes marriage for the American male similar to the mating ritual of the Praying Mantis. Like the Black Widow spider and the Praying Mantis males, human males cannot avoid the risks of mating.

I'm glad my passions of youth have waned. I suppose if I were young today with the same passions of my youth I would behave like the passionate youths of each generation past. Nature and society form our opinions for us. Even Newton said his ideas came from the shoulders of giants before him.

If a young man is interested in marriage I would suggest he practice abstinence with his future bride. Not for moral reasons but to see if he wants to be around her without sex. Usually young men are blinded with good sex. It is only after the lust diminishes that he is aware of the personality difference in each.

A young man should look for a woman who has a good relationship with her family. She should be optimistic. People who are optimistic often see problems as opportunities. If she is angry and aggressive towards others, avoid her. See how she acts around children and pets. If she has mood highs and lows run away, fast. If she worships rock stars and celebrities, avoid her.

And by all means have a pre nuptial agreement. This will separate the false assumptions each party has of the marriage.

Bilbo Baggins