A Letter to a Young Man

Be like the bird, who halting in his flight , On limb too slight, Feels it give way beneath him, yet sings, Knowing he has wings. -Victor Hugo, writer (1802-1885)


Dear Chase,

As your fifteenth birthday approaches, I realize how much of your life I have missed. I know your parents have given you advice on how to live. You can choose to ignore these gnomic words if you like. Part of being free is making choices and accepting responsibility for our choices. That freedom to choose and be responsible for the risk involved is what makes us human. Some people want to take away this risk though laws and regulations. Make choices you think you will never have to apologize for.

You should try to separate good advice from propaganda and clichés. As you develop knowledge about life, you can transform this knowledge into wisdom, if you learn how to think. Having wisdom may not make you happy. Knowledge will help you understand how things happen. Wisdom will help explain why.

Pursuing wisdom will help you find the proper life. You should always aspire to live the best life possible. You should tell others to live the best life they can. That is better than trying to manage their lives, as often happens in a democratic society. You cannot control someone else, so try to control yourself and live the best life you can. How you live your life will likely have an impact on those around you and future generations, even until eternity.

Study the seven deadly sins. They are; Pride (more vanity than the pride that makes us proud), Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed, and Sloth. After you study the sins then you can study the seven virtues. They are: Faith, Hope, Charity, Fortitude, Justice, Temperance, and Prudence.

Most people spend a lot of time trying to look beautiful. They worry about how other people will judge their appearance. As a result we do not spend enough time studying our own conscience and character.

Conscience comes from Latin and Old French and means to know the self. It takes many years to know yourself. You never know how you will act in a situation until that time appears. Your conscience will be formed and influence your decisions. If you have a good conscience you will not be able to be a bad person because each day after a bad act your conscience will punish you. Bad people are not bothered by their conscience. If you do not know your own conscience, how can you know the conscience of others, your friends, and strangers? You rarely can. A conscience is something that may show up in a public display of good or bad. If it is a public display of good, you will not know if it is a true conscience or if the person is merely trying to enhance their reputation.

Like conscience, character is something that is private. It may appear in public but you will never know if someone is of strong character or simply trying to build a positive reputation.

How do you find friends of good character and good conscience? You must develop insight and be careful. Trust is one of the virtues, but trust is something you should not give away freely unless someone has earned your trust. After many years of knowing someone you still may not know if they can be trusted because they have never been tested. Get your dad to explain about a person’s primary and backup personality. If someone says, “What is the matter, don’t you trust me?” Never be afraid to answer with a simply, “No”.

C S Lewis wrote a book, “The Four Loves”. He said they are; affection, friendship, Eros, and charity. Eros comes from the Greek God of Passion. I like to refer to Eros as the Greek Devil of Passion. There are other degrees of love. Infatuation, lust (Eros), and attachment. Love is a flattering master. If you fall in love, you always think Eros will last forever, but it will not. You should hope to get to the attachment level. If you fall in love and get beyond attachment to a spiritual level then you have experienced pure love.

If you fall in love, you will experience joy and pain. No one has been in love and avoided pain. Falling in love may take only an hour or a day, but it takes a lifetime to forget.

Humans will participate in all forms of evil and cunning to have their desires and pleasures satiated. This satiation can often bring more pain than pleasure. Humans will always do what is in their best interest. Be aware of this in all your relationships with others.

When you are in a place with a beautiful woman do not look at her. I know it is unlikely you can follow this advice but you should be aware her beauty has more power than a hundred elephants. This power will take your money, pride, and dignity. Most men willingly submit to this in order to have their desires satisfied. This is looking out for their self interest, what is most important to the self. When their desires have cooled they will be disappointed and angry unless they have reached the attachment level of love.

Your respect, like your trust, is yours. You are more likely to be betrayed by someone you trust than someone you distrust. Do not give your trust and respect away easily. Government officials say everyone deserves respect. This is incorrect. Respect and trust are to be earned. Does someone who practices one or all of the seven deadly sins “deserve” respect? If you make everyone earn your respect and trust then you will make them a better person and therefore build a better society.

People in positions of authority will demand respect. What they get instead is fear and or obedience. Even people in positions of authority must earn respect, like your parents, who I believe have done what parents should do; therefore, they have earned the right to be respected by you. You have been fortunate in having a stay at home mom who has always been there when you went to school and has always been there when you came home.

Buying and owning material items is a desperate attempt to be happy. Buying things only brings ephemeral happiness. If it brought permanent happiness you would be content with what your have and want nothing else. Socrates said, “To want nothing is divine”. It is impossible to want nothing in our society but you should be aware that what you want, once obtained, will be replaced with another want.

Do not run too fast in your pursuit of happiness, slow down and happiness will pursue you.

Try to develop all social graces and manners. This is a good way to show consideration for others. Common courtesies help different people live in harmony with each other.

Try to read books that have been around for a long time. Time helps validate their quality. Millions of contemporary books are feel good, self help or politically correct vacuous prose.

While engaged in civil discourse, always use the first person pronoun sparingly. Use the second and third person often. Praise others in public but criticize them in private, and only if they ask for a critique, or if it is your responsibility. Ask others whose opinions you value to critique you.

Never forget what is important in life. Food, Health and comfort from the cold are the most important. A reliable family, and reliable friends are next. Never place money, pleasure, and items at the top of the list.

Morals and laws are always changing. Never be afraid to question them. It used to be moral and legal to own slaves and offer human sacrifice.

Try to live in the present. You cannot live in the past or future so live today the best way you can. Learn from the past and prepare for the future. You do not own the past or the future, only the present, so said Marcus Aurelius in his “The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius”.

My cynicism should not turn you into a young misanthrope. You should remain optimistic while staying alert for evil. Look for goodness. Evil will look for you.

I am honored you have my name. You come from a long ancestral line on both sides of your parents who were hard working and independent. You must honor this ancestral line, but, most of all you must honor yourself and live the best life you can. This is how you pay respect for all of humanity’s suffering and creativity.

Grandpa Tolleson